Everything In Life Has a Price On It

My mother turns 74 today. She has survived breast cancer and although she is weak, to quote the band Chicago, she’s “getting stronger every day”.

My father will turn 75 in April and he is not slowing down one bit, which is a trait of his family. Being an only child the burden of responsibility falls solely on me but I am not complaining. I think (at least to me) it comes naturally and I do not think about it.

However it makes one think about his mortality. I was talking to one of my best friends, Bob Santmyer, Sunday and we broached that subject. Bob lost his mother last summer.  She was ill and he and his family knew it was just a matter of time. Still I don’t think he could “brace” himself for what was about to happen. I sincerely believe no one can.

I had another friend tell me one time that you could be the toughest man alive but when you lose your mother it can bring you to your knees. I thought my father was that man until my grandmother passed. He was upset to the likes I had never encountered.

So yeah, I agree with all of this. I think you have to have your priorities in line and arranged in this life. Also I believe, certainly in my situation, you have to have some kind of home base (family) to touch. I certainly have that in my cousins, especially Julie, Todd, Billy, Wendy, Scott and Amy. Using Facebook we came back together and if you count my “besties” (you don’t think I get off on the BIG BANG THEORY?) Richie, Bob, Scott Hager, Tiffany and Kristen I believe I have turned out OK. I will never be alone and my parents have prepared so I would never want for anything till the day I die.

You ask about my child. I do NOT have a child, at least none I recognize now. Sad I know, but I am long over it. As my grandmother used to tell me "we all make our own paths in life, for better or for worse". I never thought my ex was such trash and looking back now, all of those feelings I had in my gut; turns out my gut was straight on target. Now all of those things about her add up.  As decent as her mother and father were (and they were decent people), something was crossed up in the conception of her and her brother. She was pure sleaze, pure trash and sad to say her son is the same way. Now I honestly don't know if he is my son. It is sad for him but again life is about making your own path. I blame myself for it however. In looking back I don't believe I loved her. In fact I think I never did. I made two MAJOR mistakes in my life, one begat the second one. 

I am one who does not forget or forgive and there is nothing anyone can say to me about that. My mother chastises me about that trait constantly but it’s just the way God made me. I cannot help it. You live and you learn.

The bottom line is that I no longer wish to be a part of all of this. I believe in God and he has made me see now that they are a threat to everything I hold dear in my life, up to and including that degree I have worked my ass off for and to everything I have built for myself now.

I had aortic valve replacement in 2005 and though my doctors told me the changes I would go through, I did not quite believe them. Well, I should have. I thought before the surgery I saw things in black and white. Turns out those were only shades of gray (all of this is figuratively speaking of course). Since the surgery I see some things as “gray” and most things “black and white", meaning it is simple or crystal-clear to me.

And because black and white are so obviously distinct, it would be only natural for me to assume that understanding how we must be equally straightforward.

My family and my true friends have been behind me and supported me on all of this along this journey.

If you are NOT for me, you are MOST CERTAINLY against me. Again I NEVER forget.

But between my dogs and friends and family, I have fallen on my feet again.  And between these people mentioned I have learned to love again, at a basic level, using that black and white (as Tiffany would say) “thang”!! These guys bring some color into my eyes and world, including those two 4 legged kids of mine.

So I look around. Not the wreckage that lies behind; but the promise of a new life and a new world.

I love where I am at in this life and I am VERY excited about the horizons that look over.  You could very much say I was standing atop of Whiteface Mountain, looking over my life.

On top of MY world!